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dumped again!

well my previous post was written some time ago and i should have listened to my own advice. dumped over yahoo messenger! well is better than face to face as i think i would've lost it. He's dating someone else now. Didn't ask who but i bet it was the girl from his writing class, and i cant compete with that.
i got us tickets for Spamalot back in Jan (show is in June) and was going to try and work harder at being a girlfriend but i guess i left it too late. I'm so shit at this, now i have to go back to camming on ww in the hopes of finding someone on there who isn't too weird...thats a hard job lol but it's all i know how to do.
Now i have to break it to mum...she thought i'd be moving in with him and to be honest i was hoping, somewhere down the line it would go that way but he mentioned this girl in his writing class wanted to date him a few months back and yes, i felt jealous coz i knew if given the choice he'd pick her. I don't even have to know what she looks like to know that. what man in his right mind would want me?
I should stop writing really as blurry eyes from crying don't like how bright this screen is and i'll just end up putting myself down some more till i wanna put my head in the oven.
i hope i can find someone like him again, if i do i'll be very lucky.
maybe i should join a dating site? but the thought of going on a 'date' scares me. i never know what to say or what to do, i'm shy, really shy essp with strangers so thats why i just do the 'just sex' thing and hope they will want more with me....but they never do.

Back again

well, i'm back again lol
It's almost a year since i quit my job, met that guy from ww and y'know what? it's been the best year of my life!

I'm not tired all day, the skin on my feet feels sooooo much smoother! lol i don't get stressed & pissed off at the drop of a hat. it's been the best decision i ever made!

Guy from ww is WONDERFUL!! I think about him a hell of a lot. I think i may have made a mistake doing the fuck-buddy thing with him, i want to mean more to him than just a shag every other week. Beggars can't be choosers i guess, but i've been thinking for a while now to ask him if he'd like to be boy/girl friend but i don't think i could handle the rejection. He can do so much better than me. I'm not the kind of girl people introduce me as 'my girlfriend, Claire'

In other news, my health isn't too good. If you happen to read this please think good thoughts for me, i'm having a hard time with this.
It's all my own fault tho...i'm so mad at myself for getting this way.
I've been over-weight for years but when i went for an eye test about 6 weeks ago they took a picture of the back of my eyes and said it looked like my blood pressure may be high so it would be a good idea to get it checked out. And i did that, and yes i do have high fucking blood pressure. My Dr gave me some pills to take and got leaflets & stuff to read about a healthy lifestyle.
I have to go back next week where they'll take it again to see if the meds are working, do blood tests and i'm pretty sure they'll find i have diabetes just like my mum :(
I've had some teary days just because i'm so scared of what's gonna happen to me, i've been exercising alot more, eating better etc but i'm so bloody hungry!! the past couple of days i've been really bad and hardly eaten anything. A bowl of shredded wheat about midday & another for dinner is NOT a good way to diet.
Today just before 6pm after doing some exercise i got in the shower and just as i was rinsing out the shampoo i started to feel dizzy. I thought 'i better get out of here'. I crawled out the shower & had my hands on the towel rack trying to keep my balance while putting my wet feet into my slippers. My head was on my clothes that were on the towel rack and i stood up and tried to grab them so i grabbed and they fell to the floor. I thought i'd better sit down, my room is right next door to the bathroom, my hands went for the door but my body thought it best i take a tumble and sit on the floor so down i went in just my towel.
Once the dizziness went away i just sat  there and cried & cried. That really freaked me out, scared me.

I'm so scared of what's going to happen to me and what's happening now.

I made myself some fish, baked potato & veg for dinner and i managed to eat almost half of it. i hate fish...but it's good for you. i thought i was chewing an old sock (with lemon sauce).

typing this while watching The Breakfast Club has cheered me up somewhat tho :/

A totall 360...

today i handed in my notice and was on cloud 9 all day.

i just got an email from boss from my webby work and my wages are being cut. fuck.

Asda here i come :(


Well last week was tough at work. I've been so tired all of last week, my own fault of course. Going to bed after midnight and getting up at 5am don't mix very well. Been napping for 30 mins or so in the day but that doesn't work as it makes me not tired in the evening then going to sleep late and thus being tired the next day (it's a vicious circle). So today and yesterday i've not been in a mood to do anything, made a few tags and did my jobby stuff of course, just been working from my bed (love this laptop for that lol).

Last Monday i finally found a phone # to call about self-employment so am now almost official...just waiting for them to send me the forms to send off. Nearly a week now but then maybe that's to do with the Royal Mail strikes? I dunno...guess i'll have to call again in a few days. Anyway, once everything is properly done i'm handing my notice in! After that phone call, which took about 3 mins, i felt so positive about my future and i'm actually looking forward for once in my life. Why did i wait so long?

2010 - bring it on!!

fuked up i am


well today...well, actually yesterday as it's now 1.50am Sunday as i start to type, was my birthday. And it's been as uneventful as ever....

Last night was wonderful as i had a lil chat with my fav person in the world & started the day feeling pretty good. I got my card off mum & dad with £20, a bar of stale chocolate from steve and plenty of lovely comments around netville. Spent the morning watching Soccer AM then the afternoon doing my web job...and games on facebook of course. Dyed my hair, watched tv and had dinner...stir fry :( Happy birthday! lol

weigh day was today and i'm delighted with it - i lost 6lbs this week!!! 6!!!!! I hope i can keep that up, will be hard when i go back to work tho.

About work...

I dunno why i'm like i am but i hate it. i wish i was like you (ie, everyone else). I've not even written my notice out yet which was my plan for this week. I looked at the government site about what i'm meant to do for paying tax and i dont understand it at all...Google wont let me translate it into English (it's currently in wtf?). Fucking hell...this week i had planned it all yet left it, i kept putting it off and now it's Sunday! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?????

TV watching ended just after 9 so with nothing else to do i ended up camming. And now i just feel horrible. I hate feeling like this. WW guy isn't online to chat to either & i needed some company tonight.

i really need something else in life coz if this is all there is - what's the fucking point?

Oh buggar...

Why can't people email you back when you ask them something important? Essp when it's a government department...most annoying!

WW guy is either still on the plane or is in Washington now. Oh gawd...

Saturday is starting to loom over my head now in a 'Here it comes - brace yourself' kind of way. I don't like this getting old thing. There was a guy on X-Factor (i only saw the 1st week!) who instead of being 41 said he was 30-11 (thirty eleven). And i like that. So i'll be 20-14 in 2 days lol.

Looks like i won't be going to London either, Friday tomorrow and well...i can't be bothered and also it's not much fun by yourself. Perhaps if things work with WW i'll drag him to the Tate Modern (i really wanna go there).

I've also been doing a few doodles and thrown paint at them. I was gonna show them online but as is the norm...i put them in the bin where they belong. I should just stick to tags.

Know your limits woman!!

Well hello LJ...tut tut tut it's been a while since i was last here. Knee is much better, i woke up the day after that post and the pain was gone. God knows what was wrong with it. Fecking thing!!

Well...i'm here with news!
Last night i was in WW chat and a local guy who i've chatted with before was there. He works for an American company and is due to go over there on Thursday. He'll be back in December and it looks like we'll be meeting up! So last night i went to bed a bit on the happy side. Dreamt we were in bed together...not a naughty dream tho! We were just chatting and well yea we were nakkie as well lol, it was rather nice :)

You know what i've never seen Star Wars...what with being female but i do love this tag (by Monti)



OMG...My knee is killing me!! I've no idea why maybe it's the actual joint or maybe i've worn away the cartilage over years of standing up & carrying all this weight. Pah! And i only lost 1lb last week. It only started hurting a couple of hours ago. Maybe it'll be ok when i wake up...i hope so, don't know how long i can stand this pain for.

Also had a thought while at work. In my last few posts I keep moaning about being unsure about quitting work, well i noticed it's only when i'm not at work that the doubts creep in while i'm at work (and essp today) i cant wait to leave. So i am leaving.

So there!

i should be sleeping

Well i have one more week of work then one week off during which i shall write out my notice and hand it in. Looking forward to it but cant help but question if i'm doing the right thing...i just wish i could make my mind up! The closer to D-Day i get the more nervy about it i'm getting. I think i need someone to tell me i'm doing the right thing, Mum just keeps on pressing my buttons...

I've weighted up the pros and cons and the pros for leaving far out weigh the cons so lets all shout at me for being an idiot and just DO IT! Besides...i'm boring myself by going on about it.

And on my week off i'm planning a day trip to London...well when i say 'planning' i mean i'm going but not planned what to do/where to go yet LOL
I really fancy seeing the Tate Modern tho, so guess i'll have an hour or two in there. I will not be shopping tho...i'm not much of a girlie girl, i can not stand shopping!! I get all my crap online LOL

Well guess i should head to bed...i had the most amazing dream last night. I'd won the lottery (it was the £85 million) and gave some to a guy friend i know to pay his mortgage and that made me happy.

I wish dreams were real and real were nightmares.

so anyways...

Mum got me not one, but two application forms for Asda...y'know just incase i make a mistake.  Urgh....

I think i may fill it out in the new year...oh well.